By Katie Carswell, Women’s Circle Holder, Mindfulness Life Coach, Reiki Healer, member of The Circle School Grove
Guilt. A small word that casts a large shadow.
Guilt is pervasive and insidious in nature..it can also be the master of disguise.Hidden in our sense of duty and obligation.
Guilt can keep you stuck, stop you from progressing, from doing things that you love or that you know will make you feel better.
We rationalise our guilt away as having no choice, it’s part of our human condition.
Guilt can sit alongside people pleasing, loose boundaries and lack of self care/worth.
Guilt is such a part of our everyday lives, many of us just live in a permanent state of feeling guilty –
Guilty of having our own needs
Guilty for wanting time for ourselves
Guilty for asking for what we want
Guilty for taking time out for us
And more often than not, that sense of guilt is so huge, we let it win, even if it’s totally unfounded.
But I wanted to write to you today about the fact that you have a choice and guilt is just a state of mind.
At the end of last year I sat in Circle with my gorgeous mentor Mitlé and other Circle holders, reflecting on our life and work during 2022, looking at things we might want to release as we move towards 2023.
For me it became clear that as a holder of many spaces, in work and life, for many people, I am rarely held myself. So I made the commitment to change that this coming year, to practise what I preach and fully embody my own beliefs about the power and medicine that can be found in Circle ~ but this time for me.
As it often goes in life, I went from making this beautifully empowered decision and gorgeous plans of how I would gracefully ease into 2023, fully embodying all the magic and wisdom of the practices I teach…to it being much different.
Life threw me a curve ball.
A beautiful, fertile, nurturing one, but a giant one all the same.
A large puppy bomb went off in our lives. Our beautiful Beddy Whippet, Daphne, had 10 pups on the first day of the school Christmas holidays. From 3.30am we sat with Daphne, as she started labour, watching her pace and shiver..at 9.30am on Saturday 17th December the first little bundle of fluff eased his way into the world, with one pup following every half hour after that.
It was both magical and humbling to witness our dogs’ natural instincts and know exactly what she needed to do. My husband and I had very little input but were on hand just in case help was needed. Two sadly didn’t survive, even with our attempts to save them but Daphne was an awe inspiring mum, birthing and feeding just as nature intended.
Christmas was quiet and not as we had planned but with a house full of pups our daughter was more than happy. And mum was doing brilliantly..but I had an inkling this might be the calm before the storm! On New Year’s Day we ALL ended up in the vets, mum with mastitis, we were told she needed time off from all feeding in order to heal, meaning my husband and I were now taking on that role. Since then we have fed 8 pups every 4-6 hours, day and night. It’s taken us back to when our own daughter was a newborn. The house has turned into a giant kennel. If we are not preparing to feed, feeding or cleaning up from a feed, we are washing and drying bedding and all of the other areas of care I had no idea would be needed.
All of this is just to give you a little insight into my world at the moment, life was full before, now it’s 8 times fuller.
We have all been in this situation, well perhaps not this situation, but a curveball one.
Your own particular type of bomb.
An illness, an accident, an unexpected life event.. but even without a monumental thing happening, how often do you find yourself prioritising other people / things before yourself?
Life is busy for all of us and so many of us find ourselves prioritising others needs before our own, often through necessity but also because we don’t know any other way. It feels selfish not to.
All of a sudden the promise I made myself for 2023 didn’t just seem like an impossibility but one that I would be completely selfish to consider right now.
This Sunday I had a chance to go to a Circle. My internal dialogue about whether I could or couldn’t, should or shouldn’t, was exhausting in itself. I noticed how, not being able to come to the decision myself, I reverted to asking my husband for permission, not that he ever asks me to or expects it, that’s purely my own thing. I knew he would say yes, in a way I couldn’t say yes to myself…why…GUILT.
There was too much to do
It was my duty to be here
What about time with my daughter
There are 4 piles of laundry to put away and another 4 lots to do
What about the puppies, will I be back in time to feed them
Is it bad if I leave my husband here whilst I take some time out
I’m holding my own Circles next week, will my family think I am always out of the house
And on and on it went.
I almost didn’t go..mixed with a tired mind, the voice of guilt was almost overwhelming, luckily I have worked with her for many years and could recognise her for what she is.
So I tuned my head out and dropped into my heart..and what did my heart say…
It’s just a couple of hours Kate
Everyone will manage without you
You’ll feel better and be a better human to be around for taking some time out
The washing can wait.
You are not a bad mother if you take some time out for yourself.
And so I went to Circle and I am so glad I did ~ as I always am.
The Circle will always offer you what you need at that moment.
For me I needed some time out, space to reflect and tune in. To stop the perpetual to do list and just be for a few hours. What felt self indulgent was so needed.
Rather than pushing on through, I stepped back into my home just a couple hours later feeling like a totally different person, having charged up my batteries, filled up my own cup, so I was in a better space to pour all of the love, attention and care that the other areas of my life needed.
Not from a place of depletion but from a place of joy and gratitude.
That’s the power of Circle, of time and space alone, it gifts you reconnection to you.
So you can feel more balanced and then operate from that place, not from one where you feel so far down the pecking order in your own life, you are not sure if you are coming or going.
I know guilt, I understand her. Most of us have been raised in a culture that uses guilt and obligation as a method of control, so much so we don’t even stop to question why we are feeling it. We don’t pick it apart and see if it’s even ours or if it’s valid.
We are so caught up in the loop of guilt to even realise. Guilt keeps you stuck, repeating patterns of negative behaviour and thoughts.
If it’s something you struggle with too, next time you catch yourself feeling that familiar sensation, or listening to those thoughts swirling in your mind, I invite you to get curious for a moment..and ask yourself ~ Is this true? Is this mine?
Then, acknowledge it but not let it stop you.
Quite often it’s just taking that first step, out of a comfort zone.
If you are feeling guilty this new year for taking time out for you, perhaps you have just had time off so taking more time for you might feel greedy, or perhaps it’s financial guilt about spending money on yourself…just know that the benefits of gifting yourself time and space for you have far reaching ripples, not just within your own life but of those who you love and those who witness you prioritising yourself..that is an inspiring thing to model to others, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable.
Remember filling your own cup first can only ever benefit others.
This was first published on Katie’s website where you can find out more about her work and her Circles.